hydrangeas bursting

never have I doubted the existence of God
but the warm presence beside me?
frequently
but never has it not been there
I remember driving out to Passaic once
back when the world swam open in shades of black and white and just the tiniest hint of grey
to buy a book a swarm of books that I thought hoped might bring me closer to the middle
and the seller caring not for the heights of spiritual innergrowth a man of the business the trade
sold my eager hands the collection and I left there drove back to Teaneck getting lost on the way
aware throughout it all that it was something I had to do
even if even when I never opened those books after that day
and still
I run in circles on the edge of the track listening to the wind whistle
not sure of what it is that I want what it is that I need where it is that I must go
and what it is that I must do when I get there
but sure surer than I have ever been of anything
that I will know get the feeling when the time comes when my wisdom matches my experience
my rabbi once told me there is only so much instruction I can give I waited
I can direct you how to get there but it is you who needs to ultimately find the path
I coughed you will find the path I sneezed the path for yourself